When it comes to separation, whatever the circumstances, the one thing to keep in mind, is ‘ ‘what is best for the children?‘.

Matters for consideration will generally relate to aspect in the context the risk of potential emotional trauma, continuation of stability in their home life and how to parent the right way.

Emotional trauma can impact on your children even if you and your partner are very aware of the risks to your children of conflict and you both do your very best to avoid conflict. Circumstances which lead to separation are many and varied. Happenings in the home can range from violence to complete calm – but children of even very tender years can pick up on unhappiness and general discord between their parents.

So as a parent, if you are facing the prospect of a relationship breakdown, then you must always be vigilant to ensure that emotions are kept under control and your conduct is beyond reproach. If you are minded to engage in recriminations, unkind discussions or unpleasant acts generally, then STOP! Always remember the children and the impact your actions might have on them, not only in the short term but long term as well.

Doing your best to remain on speaking terms with your partner might be hard and will from time to time prove to be challenging, but think of the benefits long term for your children. Firstly it will allow a sound platform for you to move the interests of your children forward as a priority (for example, contact and co-parenting arrangements); secondly, it will add a smoother transition through any other matters which need to be resolved as a part of your separation, such as a property settlement. So maintaining a sensible position with your partner will smooth the way for sound outcomes across the board without the need for large legal bills.

So as a salutary lesson, always keep this in mind:

It is not the divorce of parents that causes the harm to children, it is the conflict that flows from their divorce.

Continuation of a stable home life for the children is vitally important. This might sound like it would be impossible to achieve, but is it?

Children, depending on their ages, might appear to have a total lack of understanding of what is happening around them, but this is not true in our experience

We understand that with a relationship breakdown there will be hurt, anger or concern as to the future and a whole range of other emotions. Keeping those emotions under control will give you, your partner and your children the best chance of a sensible resolution of issues relating to your children and property matters.

Rise above pettiness, be calm, be assertive without being over-assertive to ensure that you achieve the best outcome for the welfare of your children and yourself, but always be fair and act in a reasonable manner.

Maintain the high ground – don’t dive into the abyss of the blame game. Negative emotions draw negative responses and achieve negative outcomes.

Always keep in mind that, if you have children, then you will be very likely to have future contact with your partner in dealing with issues which impact on the welfare, both long and short term, of your children.

Your children should not be subject to collateral damage.

Be calm, be sensible and above all remain fair and reasonable because not only will this give you the best outcome but it will also give your children the best outcome.

Co-parenting the right way means in the first instance having an understanding of the needs of each parent in terms of contact between the parent and the children.

If you are able to establish on a co-operative basis co-parenting arrangements which will work for each of you as parents, then it’s not problem solved but you have gone a long way to protecting the interests of your children.

Making arrangements for co-parenting will require each parent to clearly set out what their needs are, what time they have available for co-parenting (which will generally be impacted on by work requirements), how they can best contribute to the needs of the children both short and long term but above all to ensure that the children have and maintain as much contact as possible with their parents.

The relationship may have broken down, but it is usually in the best interests of the children to have a meaningful relationship with both of their parents. There are exceptions, but generally that statement is true.

You will need to remain flexible because life can always throw up a challenge, which might be that a parent has to work away from home or work overtime and might not be able to stick to fixed time with the children. If interruptions to fixed time arrangements occur from time to time, then it is always in the best interests of the children for their parents to be flexible and make alternative arrangements when possible.

Your children are to be prized; they are after all your greatest asset. So keep in mind that words spoken or actions taken in anger never provide the best outcome for your children.

Children are invariably loved by both parents and that love is reciprocated by the children. Acting alone is always harder then acting together and acting together in the best interests of your children should always be your goal.

Lesley Powell and Don Gayler of the Fraser Coast Family Law Centre promote the collaborative law approach to relationship breakdowns. It’s about two lawyers working together to achieve positive outcomes for people going through the stress of a divorce. Whether property settlement or parenting matters, Don and Lesley will guide you and your partner to a peaceful resolution.

Lesley can be contacted at Milburns Law on 4125 6333 or by email at lesleypowell@milburns.com.au.
Don can be contacted at Gayler Legal on 4124 7100 or by email at dg@gaylerlaw.com.au.