Coping with Separation
Separation is a sad fact of life. It directly affects almost half of all marriages and de facto relationships.
You have heard stories from friends or read the trial and tribulations of celebrities in the media. Family breakdowns involve denial, fear, hatred and anger along with a bundle of other emotions. Coping with separation is a difficult and emotionally stressful time.
It does not matter if you decided to leave or whether you were told the relationship was over, the pain and suffering will affect everyone. None of this is unusual. It is not a sign of weakness on your part to experience these emotions or to show emotion – it is simply part of life.
It’s what makes us human.
You may have stayed in the relationship because you feared the future. You may have had concerns about the safety of your children or financial uncertainty. Perhaps,or you didn’t want to admit failure. In the end, something pushed you over the edge, and it was time to change.
If you are faced with a family breakdown, then the question is how do you deal with the breakdown. How do you move on from it?
Getting Professional Help
You might be actively considering the end of your relationship, but then you have to ask yourself – is it worth one more try? There are trained counsellors and other professionals who can assist you and your partner to address your relationship issues. They will help you to rekindle the flame that once existed. Sometimes opening communications between you and your partner will be a good start.
If this does not work out, then a counsellor will help you to work through the grief. Together you will work towards the best outcome for you and your family.
Trusted friends
A trusted friend can often be a great help – they know your background and circumstances. Just a simple telephone call can smooth away the angst. Don’t underestimate the healing qualities of an understanding and calm voice. A word of warning – don’t overuse the trusted friend and above all keep a balance on things. If the trusted friend is not a calm and balanced advisor, then you might want to move on from your friend.
Rules to stick to – as early as you can set rules – how you will or won’t deal with your partner. You may not be able to reach an agreement with your partner about the kids and parenting issue or financial matters, but you will need to move toward that goal.
Ignore hurtful communications – set clear boundaries as to when you are prepared to hear from your partner (though emergencies can arise) and any other specific arrangements that need to be made.
Always remember to stick to your rules. Don’t expect your partner to abide by the rules you set, or you both agree on if you don’t play by the rules yourself. Remain resolute and firm on this issue.
Always be calm and understanding – keep things in perspective. You are experiencing grief and other emotions and so will your partner but don’t let that be your compass.
You may find it difficult always to be calm, but you owe it to yourself and your kids. Responding in a volatile or explosive way will not advance matters, and it certainly will not be good for you – you don’t need this so avoid it at all costs.
Always do your best to understand your partner’s point of view. Your partner has a stake in the outcome as well, and he or she is entitled to the same level of consideration as you are. It is not always easy but – if you show understanding, then this might allow you to cut through the emotional baggage. Allowing yo to resolve matters sooner than later.
Always remain positive – find something to look forward to – find something that pleases you and gives you hope for the future. You might even want to take up an activity that you just couldn’t find time to do before. Hope is a part of the human condition so embrace it. Hope makes coping with separation more bearable.
You might need to give yourself a shove from time to time but being positive will always help in achieving a better outcome for yourself.
Be on the lookout – knowledge is a powerful weapon. Lack of knowledge can leave you defenceless and in a precarious position. A lack of knowledge makes coping with separation more difficult.
Information (knowledge) is always available – don’t fail to look for it but more importantly if you can’t find the information then get in touch with a professional who knows.
Meet with your lawyer, seek out a good accountant or financial advisor or a counsellor. Coping with separation is never easy, reaching out for help is important.
We can put you in touch with trusted professionals so that you are not just picking a name from the telephone directory or a Google search. Our preferred professionals know Don and Lesley and what we are all about in the process.
Don’t aim for the stars – always be sensible, always be realistic. Don’t set your goals or expectations too high. It is a little like learning to walk. You haven’t done this before so take small steps, set realistic and achievable goals. How do you do that? Meet with your lawyer – they’re experienced in this work, they have the contacts and know-how.
Turn the other cheek – setting out for retribution, looking to get even or just wanting to ‘get down and dirty’ doesn’t and won’t work.
As much as possible, you must approach the separation in a logical and sensible way. The alternative is a drawn out, expensive, mentally and emotionally draining battle. A battle no one wins.
You need to keep control; you need to be the one who makes the decision. In a legal fight, you probably give up both control and the ability to make a decision. A decision by a court does put an end to the matter but at what cost, financially and emotionally.
Discretion might well be the better part of valour, but it is also the sensible approach. Be certain to look at the pros and cons of any decision you might make.
Working together for a collaborative resolution of family matters avoids all of this and leaves your family or partnership better off financially and emotionally. Not really a hard choice to make – is it?
