If you are going through a matrimonial or partnership split – then do yourself a favour!!
Sit down and calmly try to think through the process, that is the process relating to how you deal with your emotional and financial needs not only for yourself but also for your children.
Set out rules which you want to stick by – rules that will leave you in control and allow you to take the high moral ground.
We know you’re hurting but try to put that aside for the moment. Your immediate needs and those of your children will be best served by a calm and rational approach to your current difficulties.
Rules to stick to – as early as you can set out the rules you want to play by. How you will or won’t deal with you partner even if your partner is intent on not being sensible and co-operative.
You may not be able to reach agreement with your partner about the kids and parenting issues or financial matters either, but you will need to make sure you are moving towards that goal.
Ignore the hurtful comments or communications – set clear boundaries as to when you are prepared to hear from your partner (though emergencies can arise) and any other specific arrangements that need to be made.
Always remember to stick to your own rules. You can hardly expect your partner to abide by any rules you set or you both agree on, if you don’t play by the rules yourself. Remain firm and resolute on this issue.
Always be calm and understanding – keep things in perspective. You are experiencing grief and other emotions. So will your partner even if you don’t want to believe this. Don’t let your grief and other emotions be your compass – calmness and understanding should be your compass.
You may find it difficult to always be calm – we know that because we understand what you are going through. You owe it to yourself and your kids to do your very best to be and remain calm.
Responding to happenings in a volatile or explosive way will not advance matters and it certainly will not be good for you – you need to avoid this at all costs.
Always do your best – to understand your partner’s point of view. You might not want to do this but your partner has a stake in the outcome as well as you and he or she is entitled to the same level of consideration as you. This will not always be easy, we understand this, but try. If you show understanding then this might allow you to cut through the emotional baggage and allow you and your partner to get the point of resolving matters sooner than later.
Always remain positive – find something to look forward to. Find something that pleases you and gives you hope for the future. You might even want to take up an activity that you just couldn’t find time to do before. Hope is part of the human condition, so embrace it.
You might need to give yourself a shove from time to time but being positive will always help in achieving a better outcome for yourself.
Be on the lookout – knowledge is a powerful weapon. Lack of knowledge can leave you defenceless and in a precarious position.
Information [read knowledge] is always available – don’t fail to look for it but more importantly, if you can’t find the information then get in touch with a professional who knows.
Meet with your lawyer, seek out a good accountant or financial advisor or a counsellor.
We can put you in touch with trusted professionals so that you are not picking a name from the telephone director or a Google search. Our preferred professionals known us and what we are about in the process.
Don’t aim for the stars – always be sensible and always be realistic. Don’t set your goals or expectations too high. The process which you are setting out on is a little like learning to walk. You haven’t done this before so take small steps, set realistic and achievable goals.
How do you do that? Well meet with your lawyer – they’re experienced in this work, they have the contacts and they have the know-how.
Turn the other cheek – setting out for retribution, looking to get even or just wanting to do get ‘down and dirty’ doesn’t and won’t work, whatever you’ve heard or whatever you’ve been told.
As much as you can, approach the separation and what flows from that in a logical and sensible way. The alternative is a drawn out, expensive, mentally and emotionally draining battle. A battle no one wins.
Always keep control – you need to keep control of the process as best you can and you need to be the one who makes the decisions. In a legal fight you will likely give up both control and the ability to make decisions. A decision by a court does put an end to your matter but at what cost, financially and emotionally.
Discretion might be the better part of valour but it can also be the sensible approach. Be certain before you make that decision – weigh up the pros and cons to be as sure as you can that the decision you are making is the right one.
Working together to get a collaborative resolution to family matters avoids all of this and leaves your family better off financially and emotionally.
It’s not really a hard choice is it?